How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
