i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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