There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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