i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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