I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
