fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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