New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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