weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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