So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
