You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is officially offended.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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