the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
