There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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