No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Randomize
