I met the friendliest cop last night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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