Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
