Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
