why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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