and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
