uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
