Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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