my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
