She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Im part way to drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
