Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
