cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
