i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
