HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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