I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
