hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!