I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
