I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
