i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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