i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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