thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
