i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
what is it with giant penises always finding me
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
