I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need a beard to bite.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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