He disabled his match.com account in front of me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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