This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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