Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
