Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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