woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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