3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
