I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
