I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
