Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
