You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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