so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
