My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am midnight drunk by noon
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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