my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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