here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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