OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
