I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
