The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
