I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
