she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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