There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
