At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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