you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
